Yesterday I cried multiple times. I felt the despair of life. That is not an understatement; I considered ways to end my life, to get away from the pain that somehow is felt despite the numbness that overtakes my being. I didn’t know how to explain to Daniel that there is no reasoning behind these moments, they just come.
And for the first time I voiced that I don’t see any evidence of God loving me as one of His own. I voiced that I feel as though I was an object made for His wrath that happens to desire to worship Him rightly, but He won’t accept me. I felt like an outcast who was never cast out because I was never in.
And in these times, nothing helps. Sleep only makes me forget during the time I’m unconscious; when I wake up, it comes flooding back to me like a weight upon my chest and I can’t breathe. When I’m with my favorite person in the world, I still can’t feel any joy; I cry until my throat hurts and I’m a mess.
Then I woke up the next day—today—and found joy again. I don’t know when it came to me in the night while I was sleeping, but it did. I faced today knowing that even if I happen to be an object of wrath, I can still follow the commands of Jesus.
Yet tonight when I read Hebrews 12, it was put bluntly before me: I am a child of God, not an object of wrath. I am saved, I am redeemed, I am sanctified. And at the same time, I am being saved, I am being redeemed, and I am being sanctified. I am assured even in my doubt and my pain that He is more faithful than I may feel or think.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before Him ENDURED the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who ENDURED such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not become weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.”
ENDURE HARDSHIP AS DISCIPLINE. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we SUBMIT to the father of our spirits and lives! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may SHARE in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of RIGHTEOUSNESS and PEACE for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make levels paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”